What difference does 12 weeks of gentle time make?
Is it the 11th day of the 11th month when you said “it’s no longer a blocker” minus the 10th day of the 10th month when she first got behind the wheel in your driveway?
Something’s not adding up.
If we’re talking math and you said, “It would take a whole Spring season to equal all that time apart,” what would be left over if you needed to turn your phone off for three days, but Sunday you logged onto Instagram 19 minutes ago, TikTok 2 hours ago, are active now on Facebook Messenger because “of course I need to text my wife. She’s my wife,” and at some point in the last 8 hours you saved your Duolingo streak because it’s an important investment to you?
What is 22 times I saw you online divided by the 0 times you made contact with me?
Error. Cannot compute.
Maybe we had enough in the bank to absorb the compounding negative interest of constantly feeling like I don’t truly matter to you.
Or feeling like you just didn’t want to say “hi,” or “I love you,” or “My wife’s being unfair,” when you clearly could have.
Or maybe it was ok to not talk for three days because nothing of value was subtracted during that time, or because you passionately campaigned to be able to be fully present for this special retreat and you made me want that for you too.
Maybe you having your phone on when you told me it would be off is completely neutral. Value of zero.
Or maybe too much was added to my life while you weren’t speaking to me. I
hate to say this but the product of two negative integers is positive. In the complete absence of conflict plus the blissful optimism we felt when we parted ways,
I expected your silence these past few days to feel like my heart was being ripped from my chest. Instead, I felt calm.
May I be at peace?
I hope you hear what I’m really saying through all of this math talk.
I’m sure you do because you love the moon.
You know. Y
ou can never meet the same girl twice.
I know who I am and I know how I want to feel.
